1. First one in, Last one out- Peyton Manning, Russell Wilson, James Harrison, Wes Welker. Wait. Aren’t Peyton and Wes on the same team? So how is it possible that theyre both the first people in and the last one’s out? We don’t know but every broadcaster under the sun has used this cliche dozens of times to describe people that work really really hard. We get it. Find another way to tell us they work hard, be original. Wouldn’t it be great if Phil Simms would be like, “ And hey this guy Matthew Stafford is the type of guy who choses to head to the weight room at 530 in the morning rather than tapping the supermodels snoozing soundly in his bed.” Now that’s a hard working dude. The point is, loyal viewers like myself grow angry when announcers try and tell us that Russell Wilson is the hardest working NFL athlete because he steps into the office at 5 am fresh after his organ and blood donations at the local puppy hospital, while also claiming that Marshawn Lynch holds the same distinction for arriving at 4:30 am fresh off a skittles breakfast. First one in, Last one out has run its course, especially when its applied to every star athlete in the Milky Way.
2. Taking it one game at a time- This old adage is commonplace in locker rooms and postgame podium press conferences whenever the topic of the playoffs are mentioned. In an effort to be super lame and unwilling to entertain the inevitable reality that teams and players do look down the schedule for future big games, players and coaches simply use this reply to assert that all that matters is the upcoming contest. Appalling revelations indicate that it is actually impossible to play more than one game at a time. Just take a minute to let the shock sink in. Yes i’m fucking kidding. Athletes past and present feel the need to strengthen the dumb jock critiques by uttering a phrase that would make anyone cringe except the salivating Captain Obvious. It is well within an athlete’s right to keep the focus on the upcoming contest, but for the sake of the sports viewers’ sanity, retire this phrase at once and spare us from the earful of stupidity.
3. The only Stat i care about is “W’s”- Yeah. Right. Except. No. I’m not implying winning isn’t important to professional athletes but i would say that for a lot of them the number on the top right of their check is the most important stat. You can’t tell me that a receiver on the 2-13 Cleveland Browns gives a flying fuck if they win or lose, he cares about catching exactly six pasess so he can get his 100,000 dollar cash incentive for catching 50 passes in a season (not too much guaranteed money in NFL contracts).You see it in Baseball all the time. The guy who hits 40 home runs in three straight seasons suddenly becomes baby shit with a glove after he signs a 200 million dollar guaranteed contract(Ryan Howard *grumble grumble*). Bitches love wins, bitches like money too. The fact of the matter is this, those who actually claim wins as the only important stat are the same kind of people who think instant replay is the devil and that endzone celebrations are suspension worthy offenses. This cliche, like the people who champion it, are played out.
4. If just one more play had gone our way/ if we just got one more break, we’d be having a different talk right now- Yeah? And if the queen had balls she’d be King. That’s sports bumb. Breaks go both ways and calls go both ways. That’s life. Deal with it. Talk about what you could have done better as a team to win or mention that fumble you had at the end of the third quarter, don’t state the obvious. Fans hate hearing things that are obvious. It makes them feel stupid. And nobody likes feeling stupid. Think about it, any play in the history of sports could have had an alternative outcome. Hell any action in the history of life could have had an alternative outcome, so why single out certain plays and events just to rationalize your team’s shortcomings? If Willie Green had made that 10 foot baseline jumper 15 seconds into the game the Clippers would have won by 1, but who cares? “but if” is the lowest form of conversation in sports. This phrase needs to go.
5. Captans Holding hands out to the coin toss- a little different from the other cliches since it’s not something coaches/players/broadcasters say. This is just wayy over done. What’s the point you’re trying to get across? The fact that your team is such an awesome unified mass? Or that you can afford to rent Friday Nights Lights on Amazon’s Instant video streaming service? I wonder if the coach ever offers suggestions on proper hand holding. Will the waffle tactic be a more effective method of intimidation than the pancake method? And whose hand should go on top? Probably the Pitcher.(oh pitcher isn't a position in football? My apologies). By now you can tell that this practice is unbecoming of those involved in the Gladiator world of football. Gladiator, what a film! I wonder if that’s on Amazon instant video too…..
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