It’s time to unfollow these 7 people on Twitter

Twitter has effectively reached the summit in the race for the premier medium of thought-sharing, opinion-voicing, and general statements deemed “share-worthy” by the sites users. Much like the real-life vocalized opinions that we all encounter on a daily basis, an inevitability of twitter is that we will all come across thoughts and views of certain individuals that we quite frankly give next to zero fucks about. In fact, some of these tweets will be so bothersome that the urge to click the unfollow button will travel from the brain to the fingers until the trigger is pulled. No matter how badly we may pretend to maintain an interest for the sake of the conversation, there comes a point where you need to cut your losses and preserve your precious time. Given this reality, I present to you the 7 twitter users to immediately unfollow (in no particular order).

1. The Sportscaster in Training: This individual cannot resist the urge to present his/her (oh and it sucks even more when it’s a her) uninformed analysis and not so bold predictions for the sporting event about to take place or currently in progress. Maybe he/she will say: “Duke’s taking it all this year #youhearditherefirst” (probably the 1000th person to make this claim). Maybe he/she will claim “Norris Cole > Dwayne Wade” (yes that was actually said). Regardless of the absurdity and generally pedestrian nature of the “bold” predictions and analysis, these self-proclaimed experts require an immediate unfollow.
2. White Drake: Ok, honest hour. Do Drake’s lyrics strike a chord with everyone and anyone who was once a member of the lonely hearts club? Abso-fucking-lutely. Are these lyrics quite catchy at times and worthy of selection on a moonlight highway drive playlist? Of course. But maybe, just maybe, is there the chance that these lyrics should be perhaps left to the man himself who actually wrote them? Ya, I’m talking to you white drake. Nothing was the same since I regrettably elected to follow your overly sentimental pussiness on twitter. Oh and the fact that these lyrics have been tattooed on your left bicep does not make you Drake no matter how hard you try. But hey, despite the fact that you scream “unfollow me now”, you at least save hundreds of Americans the trouble of buying Drake’s newest album, they can catch all the lyrics on your impossibly feminine twitter page.
3. BRB LITERALLY DYING: Let’s address the myth of “First World Problems”… they exist. They exist, and they are a pain in the ass for sure. They are nothing more than a pain in the ass. Every day we are forced to read about the adversity facing a misfortune-striken upper middle class white girl who contemplates ending it all at the thought of waking up for an 8 am. The tragedy does not end there, because this Auschwitz of a circumstance must be faced sans-caramel because Starbucks had the audacity to run out. My heart truly breaks for these poor souls, and it breaks even more when I scroll through their repeated cries for sympathy on twitter. If  anyone has any leads on those who are responsible for these atrocities, please do not hesitate to contact the authorities. In the meantime, the Red Cross recommends an immediate unfollow for the cause.
4. Varsity Blues: 7am, rise and grind. No time for sleep when the goal is in sight. Haters say what they want, I let them motivate me. I was born for greatness, and I cannot be stopped on my quest for the ‘ship. Shockingly, those tweets were not composed by LeBron James. Oh no, those tweets were composed from your high school’s quarterback fresh off a gut-wrenching 34-3 loss to the rival school dropping the team’s record to a respectable 1-7. Interestingly enough, this individual who “ignores the haters”, feels compelled to share with the twitter world how his followers make him feel. I know, sound logic. In any event, the glory-driven Division II wannabe on a mission is nowhere near worthy of a continued follow, unless you happen to be a man on a mission who bleeds for his teammates and cannot think about anything but the Friday night lights, in which case you are likely the running back on the aforementioned 1-7 squad.  
5. Turn up Queen: You know what’s even less fun than listening to a girl talk about how drunk she is? What’s worse is reading her incessant tweets about how drunk she and her friends are going to get, followed by the beer-filled clinking glass emojis, or even a wine glass if this girl is exceptionally “classy”. For reasons unknown these girls have deemed it necessary to make it known just how white girl wasted they plan on getting, regardless of the guy-repellant they are effectively spraying with every character. In the event that you are like any sane person who is put-off by repeated expressions of a planned snooki-esque takedown of the alcohol that they surely didn’t pay for, an unfollow is highly encouraged.
6. Never Graduating: Only at Syracuse will you see a topless girl passed out on the couch. Only at USC will you find a frat guy with a face laden with sharpie dicks. Oh what’s that? That happens at every single college under the sun? Oh, nevermind. Yes its true, the proud students at Directional University in Bumblefuck, PA largely see the same types of shenanigans on the weekends that others feel are unique to their proud school. While these claims may be met with a cliche response of “You don’t even go here,” it is important to recognize that many students are clouded by an overwhelming turntness that practically forces them on their knees begging for a visit from “I’m Schmacked.” This may come as a shock to faithful undergrads of Big-state-U, but the masses are much inclined to jump at the opportunity to click unfollow and spare themselves from more exposure to #THON, even if it is #FTK.
7. Kappa Delta WhoGivesaFuck- OMG my big >>>>>>>>> OMG my little>>>>>> Foreign language? To some, yes. This is the language of sorority, and its become an epidemic on the twittersphere. I mean, I have no direct quarrels with sororities on the surface. The pissed-off-ness comes into play when these girls feel compelled to express their overpowering love and affection for their sisters for life and decide that the whole big/little little/big little/little big/big actually means something outside the walls of their sorority house. One would think that the close-knit nature of these sisters would be most suitable inside greek land but oh no, these ties evidently are so strong that they transcend the world of sisterdom and must spill into the lives of others and appear on numerous twitter feeds daily. Well in a shocking turn of events, those who are not members of the sororities feel no emotional attachment to this big/little bond. Instead, their fingers feel an attachment to the touch screen or keypad as the unfollow button is clicked.