As an eldest sibling, the first 17 years of my life was a huge confidence booster when it came to competing or performing any task.whether it be racing to get shotgun, playing a sport they’ve been playing for years and you haven’t, or collecting Yu-Gi-oh cards, i always came out on top. My brother’s constant ineptitude served as a better self-esteem booster than any below average girlfriend of 3 months could ever be. However, for a lot of people, this false sense of pride comes to a standstill halt over the first week at a college university. The realization that “hey, you’re really not that great at things” is a startling and painful revelation. So without further ado, what you thought you were the man at until you weren’t and other harsh revelations. 
1. N64- “Awe sweet are you guys playing smash?! i’m a beast at this game! i got next. You’re all about to be smothered by Samus’ fat vagina.” 5 minutes later… “wait how did you do that? dude you’re fucking cheating or something this is bullshit.” Your reign of dominance in this outdated video game world has come to a swift end and you know it. Back home your Samus bombs made your house guests and brothers quiver in fear, but here, it’s a bit of a bitch move. And as you watch your character get team rocketed by star fox for your final death, you’ll realize your life was nothing but an elaborate sham. confidence shattered. Heart broken. Penis flaccid.
2. School Work- For a sizable chunk of the population, high school academics were very similar to a female sportscaster. They were a joke that no one took seriously. Oh lit homework? I’ll sparknote it and do the review in study hall. Math homework? I’ll just copy that in lunch from Sanjeet Ramahamanthy.” The hardest things you really got from a workload perspective was “four page paper?! Ugh, what a bitch that’s gonna take forever.” You did your best Johnny Depp impression as you sailed by getting A’s and B’s with relatively no effort put in. Teachers warned you that college was different but hey, teachers say a lot of things. Suddenly you’re paying 30,000 a year to make an effort at this school thing and it’s no easy chore. The first time you hear “12 page paper due next thursday” you’ll probably shit your spongebob boxers. The first time you get a zero on a paper you’ll be befuddled that the teacher actually took the time to not only read the content of your shitty paper but actually checked wikipedia to see if you stolen anything. Inconceivable right? No. You’re really not that smart bud, and college is here to make sure you learn that the hard way.
3. Using any sort of Lingo/slang- “Yo i got sevens on that seat” “What?” “Nice freshman backpack ya jabron” “wait what? i’m not a freshman” These are several real life instances in which you forget that you’re no longer surrounded by high school chums who can seamlessly interpret any of your bizarre sayings. College is a different beast, and it is a beast that disappointingly yet understandably has no fucking clue what you are talking about when you use your old lingo in daily conversation. No need to fear. Believe it or not, this is an exciting opportunity. Perhaps you can be an ambassador for your vernacular and the hometown it represents, sharing it with new friends from near and far. Or maybe you can learn from the lexicons of others and share your favorite words upon your return to the homefront. Whichever path you choose, the opportunity for verbal excellence exists, despite the uncomfortable initial months of translations and self-foolishness that come when your lingo is thrown to the wolves of college life.
4. Every night out doesn’t lead to a fantasy five-way- Yeah we’ve all seen every terrible teen coming of age movies where even the fat kid with curly red hair and no social skills takes home a beach blonde for a night of surprisingly satisfying intercourse. Well news flash. You’re not “long shlong silver” and the hottest girl at the party you're at is dating the six foot four inch baseball player. Your best hope of getting any sort punanny is the butterface who’s trying to get back at the guy she had a one night stand with the week before(never ending cycle). And even if you do manage to take back that lackluster catch, the sex will be like two drunken seals smacking together for the 30 most unpleasurable minutes of your life. But hey it’s not all that bad, girls in college drink and when girls in college drink they make mistakes and if you’re lucky enough you could be that mistake. But the sooner you realize every night isn’t an orgy, the better off you’ll be.
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