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Thursday, January 9, 2014

How to Make the Most of a Frat Party; Another List of Dos and Don'ts




Unlike my colleague who attends a bar school, I attend a frat and/or house party school which, as many of you know, is an entirely different beast altogether. Theres an entirely different code of conduct to this sweat filled, mistake ridden, shame generating wasteland. A world in which only the grimiest get a head and nobody has to be good looking as long as the basement you’re in has the standard frat house lighting. Those who are short, claustrophobic, socially anxious, or germophobic will most likely perish. If you’re any of those things i’m afraid there isn’t much I can do for you but feel free to read ahead anyways.

Clothing- Your outfit doesn’t mean shit. It’s most likely going to be so dark you won’t even be able to tell the difference between a nice polo vest and a sleeveless hanes t-shirt. Chances are, there'll be some sort of theme for the event, feel free to ignore it but attempt to gauge the interest in the theme with other party goers beforehand. You don’t wanna be the only dick who didn't even try and make an effort at the theme. Chicks usually don’t like that. And on the other spectrum, you definitely don't wanna be that guy who goes balls to the wall for a theme party. Lets be real, the guy that wears a gorilla suit to a halloween party has never hauled any ass.

Pregame/Consumption- Essentially the same rule applies here for both types of schools, get more than a little drunk before the party because if you thought being sober at a bar was bad, you ain’t seen nothing until you’re at a frat house sober. The only way to tolerate the hot, damp, dark, crowded shit storm that is a frat basement is to be albosultulty trashed upon entry. Granted, drinks should be plentiful and relatively cheap compared to a six dollar vodka and soda at a bar but frats are to never be trusted. Don’t assume they’ll have more than two kegs and never assume they’ll have more than one tap because if you do, you could be waiting in a pack of disgruntled, sweating, freshman waiting 30 minutes have one shitty beer. If you like to live life on the edge a little, it is recommended to rock a flask in the back pocket, but beware of lurking piggies if you have to walk back to campus.   

The Party Itself- You’ve made it in. You paid your 5 and you’re sufficiently shit faced. And as you walk down the old wooden steps of the Phi Psi basement theres only one thing to keep in mind. Be impulsive. If you want something you have to go and get it. This world that you have the unfortunate pleasure of being in is a dog eat dog world. If some chick “bumps” you at the start of the night theres no room to contemplate whether or not that bump was an accident, because the second you hesitate she’ll be against the wall with some douchebag who probably longboards to class.  And if you do manage to be rejected, don't fret, it’s so dark down there that height becomes the new substance for attractiveness. So chances are it’s not because you’re ugly, it’s because you’re 5’7. Back to being impulsive, the only way to stay impulsive and to have a good time is to keep drinking, so be aggressive as you move your way to the front of keg lines, give mercy to no one. It’s recommended you use the girls in your crew to weasel their way to the front and take control on that precious noisiel of keystone.  The point is, if you want to optimize your experience, don't chit chat in the corner with that kid in your FSP about how much your teacher sucks, get out there and make something happen.

So there you have it. Chances are you’ll only be apart of this world for 2 years at most if you’re not an actual member of a frat, so don’t be upset if you suck at these things because truth be told, only the worst type of people get by in those basements. So for a few hours on a Saturday night don’t be afraid to cast aside those morals and do some reckless shit because you paid 5 whole dollars to have a reckless and regrettable night! Don’t get ripped off.

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